A Little Grumpy About the Pithy Meme
Jun. 19th, 2012 10:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamhouseThe current pithy meme going around Facebook seems to be various forms of:
"We live in a society that teaches women to be careful not to be raped instead of teaching men NOT TO RAPE" (this version).
OK, I understand the sentiment, that focusing on what women "need" to do is effectively pre-blaming the victim, when the problem is the men who commit the rape. It also is referring the all-too-common "don't dress like that" sexist bullshit.
But I have many, many problems with it being stated like this, being a member of the penis-afflicted gender.
First is the idea that men are not taught not to rape. I was taught that violence - particularly against women - was wrong (do not commit rape as a violent act). I was taught that "no means no" (do not commit rape as a non-consensual sexual act). I taught this to the boys I raised. I see it being taught to boys being raised around me, and I see both the act of date rape and violent rape vilified in the fictional and factual media.
I find it very upsetting that there seems to be an idea that something which is a crime being committed by men who are acting in an anti-social fashion is happening simply because no one is telling anyone that it is anti-social.
Second is that not blaming the victim does NOT mean one has no responsibility for one's own safety. If I get t-boned at an intersection and thrown out of the car, sure, it's the fault of the person who hit me, but I could have worn a seat belt to protect myself against the possibility. If I get mugged walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am, it's the mugger who committed the crime and (perhaps) society that failed him and forced him into such action, but I should have been taking precautions (like not walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am).
I cannot control the acts of others, no matter how right or wrong those acts might be. I can only control my own actions and how those actions affect my own interactions with others. Some of the actions I can control are ones that keep me safe and are common sense.
Recommending that people take steps to protect themselves is NOT THE SAME as blaming them should something happen when they didn't take precautions. How is saying "don't get blind drunk when you are out with people who might take advantage of you" any different from saying "don't wear black clothing or go with your back to traffic if you are going to be walking on unlit streets after dark"? How is "don't accept a drink from a stranger" any different from "keep your wallet in your front pocket on the subway" or "don't walk into dark alleys alone"?
In a perfect world we would all be able to do things that are nowadays unsafe because of the deviant or irresponsible acts of others. But this is not a perfect world, and I would be criminally irresponsible if I did not teach my daughters how to avoid dangerous situations just as avidly as I teach my sons not to be rapists.
"We live in a society that teaches women to be careful not to be raped instead of teaching men NOT TO RAPE" (this version).
OK, I understand the sentiment, that focusing on what women "need" to do is effectively pre-blaming the victim, when the problem is the men who commit the rape. It also is referring the all-too-common "don't dress like that" sexist bullshit.
But I have many, many problems with it being stated like this, being a member of the penis-afflicted gender.
First is the idea that men are not taught not to rape. I was taught that violence - particularly against women - was wrong (do not commit rape as a violent act). I was taught that "no means no" (do not commit rape as a non-consensual sexual act). I taught this to the boys I raised. I see it being taught to boys being raised around me, and I see both the act of date rape and violent rape vilified in the fictional and factual media.
I find it very upsetting that there seems to be an idea that something which is a crime being committed by men who are acting in an anti-social fashion is happening simply because no one is telling anyone that it is anti-social.
Second is that not blaming the victim does NOT mean one has no responsibility for one's own safety. If I get t-boned at an intersection and thrown out of the car, sure, it's the fault of the person who hit me, but I could have worn a seat belt to protect myself against the possibility. If I get mugged walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am, it's the mugger who committed the crime and (perhaps) society that failed him and forced him into such action, but I should have been taking precautions (like not walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am).
I cannot control the acts of others, no matter how right or wrong those acts might be. I can only control my own actions and how those actions affect my own interactions with others. Some of the actions I can control are ones that keep me safe and are common sense.
Recommending that people take steps to protect themselves is NOT THE SAME as blaming them should something happen when they didn't take precautions. How is saying "don't get blind drunk when you are out with people who might take advantage of you" any different from saying "don't wear black clothing or go with your back to traffic if you are going to be walking on unlit streets after dark"? How is "don't accept a drink from a stranger" any different from "keep your wallet in your front pocket on the subway" or "don't walk into dark alleys alone"?
In a perfect world we would all be able to do things that are nowadays unsafe because of the deviant or irresponsible acts of others. But this is not a perfect world, and I would be criminally irresponsible if I did not teach my daughters how to avoid dangerous situations just as avidly as I teach my sons not to be rapists.
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no subject
Date: 2012-06-19 08:51 pm (UTC)Men are more likely to be killed in a bar fight but it doesn't occur to us to tell men to stay home--don't go out, or at least not to a bar, or if you must go to a bar for God's sake be subservient!
Men are more likely to be killed in a car accident, but it doesn't occur to us to tell men not to drive.
We tell women to stay home at night, or get an escort, or wear less revealing clothes, or stay out of that part of town... but we rarely give similar freedom-restricting advice to men, even to save their lives.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-19 09:01 pm (UTC)The difference here, of course, is that if I DID go into one of those bars and I DID get into the face of one of those patrons, it certainly as HELL would be partly my fault for being such a macho jackass.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-19 09:02 pm (UTC)There are areas where I've asked for someone to walk with me if I'm out late at night. There are areas in Boston that I'd advise anyone to avoid, or at least I would if my knowledge of the bad areas were more precise. On a trip to a filksing in Boston recently, I didn't bring my keyboard because of concerns about crime in that area.
There are, doubtless, people who advise only women on these things and think men should be totally reckless about them. I am reasonably sure they aren't you or me, and the odds are low that they're anyone else in this discussion.