A Little Grumpy About the Pithy Meme
Jun. 19th, 2012 10:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamhouseThe current pithy meme going around Facebook seems to be various forms of:
"We live in a society that teaches women to be careful not to be raped instead of teaching men NOT TO RAPE" (this version).
OK, I understand the sentiment, that focusing on what women "need" to do is effectively pre-blaming the victim, when the problem is the men who commit the rape. It also is referring the all-too-common "don't dress like that" sexist bullshit.
But I have many, many problems with it being stated like this, being a member of the penis-afflicted gender.
First is the idea that men are not taught not to rape. I was taught that violence - particularly against women - was wrong (do not commit rape as a violent act). I was taught that "no means no" (do not commit rape as a non-consensual sexual act). I taught this to the boys I raised. I see it being taught to boys being raised around me, and I see both the act of date rape and violent rape vilified in the fictional and factual media.
I find it very upsetting that there seems to be an idea that something which is a crime being committed by men who are acting in an anti-social fashion is happening simply because no one is telling anyone that it is anti-social.
Second is that not blaming the victim does NOT mean one has no responsibility for one's own safety. If I get t-boned at an intersection and thrown out of the car, sure, it's the fault of the person who hit me, but I could have worn a seat belt to protect myself against the possibility. If I get mugged walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am, it's the mugger who committed the crime and (perhaps) society that failed him and forced him into such action, but I should have been taking precautions (like not walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am).
I cannot control the acts of others, no matter how right or wrong those acts might be. I can only control my own actions and how those actions affect my own interactions with others. Some of the actions I can control are ones that keep me safe and are common sense.
Recommending that people take steps to protect themselves is NOT THE SAME as blaming them should something happen when they didn't take precautions. How is saying "don't get blind drunk when you are out with people who might take advantage of you" any different from saying "don't wear black clothing or go with your back to traffic if you are going to be walking on unlit streets after dark"? How is "don't accept a drink from a stranger" any different from "keep your wallet in your front pocket on the subway" or "don't walk into dark alleys alone"?
In a perfect world we would all be able to do things that are nowadays unsafe because of the deviant or irresponsible acts of others. But this is not a perfect world, and I would be criminally irresponsible if I did not teach my daughters how to avoid dangerous situations just as avidly as I teach my sons not to be rapists.
"We live in a society that teaches women to be careful not to be raped instead of teaching men NOT TO RAPE" (this version).
OK, I understand the sentiment, that focusing on what women "need" to do is effectively pre-blaming the victim, when the problem is the men who commit the rape. It also is referring the all-too-common "don't dress like that" sexist bullshit.
But I have many, many problems with it being stated like this, being a member of the penis-afflicted gender.
First is the idea that men are not taught not to rape. I was taught that violence - particularly against women - was wrong (do not commit rape as a violent act). I was taught that "no means no" (do not commit rape as a non-consensual sexual act). I taught this to the boys I raised. I see it being taught to boys being raised around me, and I see both the act of date rape and violent rape vilified in the fictional and factual media.
I find it very upsetting that there seems to be an idea that something which is a crime being committed by men who are acting in an anti-social fashion is happening simply because no one is telling anyone that it is anti-social.
Second is that not blaming the victim does NOT mean one has no responsibility for one's own safety. If I get t-boned at an intersection and thrown out of the car, sure, it's the fault of the person who hit me, but I could have worn a seat belt to protect myself against the possibility. If I get mugged walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am, it's the mugger who committed the crime and (perhaps) society that failed him and forced him into such action, but I should have been taking precautions (like not walking through downtown Detroit at 2 am).
I cannot control the acts of others, no matter how right or wrong those acts might be. I can only control my own actions and how those actions affect my own interactions with others. Some of the actions I can control are ones that keep me safe and are common sense.
Recommending that people take steps to protect themselves is NOT THE SAME as blaming them should something happen when they didn't take precautions. How is saying "don't get blind drunk when you are out with people who might take advantage of you" any different from saying "don't wear black clothing or go with your back to traffic if you are going to be walking on unlit streets after dark"? How is "don't accept a drink from a stranger" any different from "keep your wallet in your front pocket on the subway" or "don't walk into dark alleys alone"?
In a perfect world we would all be able to do things that are nowadays unsafe because of the deviant or irresponsible acts of others. But this is not a perfect world, and I would be criminally irresponsible if I did not teach my daughters how to avoid dangerous situations just as avidly as I teach my sons not to be rapists.
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no subject
Date: 2012-06-19 05:01 pm (UTC)The starting question was a teen working in a hardware store, and a customer buddy of the boss was making overt sexual comments, and trying to get her into the back of the store to "Show him were something was." She had so far been able to fob him off, but was uncomfortable.
We went through several options for her, including putting in her notice, and went on to other questions the group had: scenarios in school, boyfriend pressure, walking safety, and so on. They were all astonished to find out that their moms had issues with pushy, weird guys, too, even now as moms!
So, I do agree with you about teaching precautions, and "what would you do in this situation?" thinking. I also have taught Health class, the Sex Ed unit in the past to junior high and high school students, and I can say with authority that the misinformation and ignorance out there (on both sides) is HUGE.
"My dad says girls always say 'No' before they say yes, and my brothers say that too."
"If a girl dresses sexy, she's telling me 'Yes' but says 'No' because she doesn't want to sound dirty."
Simple conversations across the room with girls, or from me quickly addresses those misconceptions. And the boys weren't being defiant or snarky; they were really stating what they'd heard or absorbed from family and peers.
And again, education and open dialog to address these gaps in knowledge and experience are key.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-19 07:12 pm (UTC)He stuck up for the girl on the bus, but let her get off on her own. My opinion is that as tall, fit young man - someone known and safe - he should have walked her home and called us from her house, where we would have picked him up.
This simply didn't occur to him. Thankfully his friend was fine, if a little shaken. I don't think I need to teach him "not to rape", but I can certainly teach him how to be a good guy, and help friends who are vulnerable (whatever their gender).
no subject
Date: 2012-06-19 08:22 pm (UTC)Because while he knows, and you know, that he is safe, perhaps she doesn't, and because part of the exercise is to respect her rights to set boundaries.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-20 07:24 am (UTC)But then we enter the world of whether it's right to allow someone else to put themselves into danger, and there lie *very* dangerous waters about personal freedom etc.
I'm just pleased that she *was* OK, and wanted my son to understand that a responsibility to others is an important part of being a good person.